No one has really grown up till the day you are made to believe, trust and love no one but yourself.
I've always thought that I've "grown up" enough, judging from the situations I've lived and came across. That was a big fat lie from life. Its definitely a 'NO'. I think one has truly "grown up" when you finally go with the ' SCREW IT' attitude. The day you come to the "breaking point of life". The day you turn from someone who sees and prioritizes the beauty of others to someone who only doubts the trustworthiness of others. The day you learn no soul is as trustworthy as you alone are. Come to question about it, if you cannot keep a secret about yourself to yourself, why would any sane person keep a secret about you to themselves? Honestly? Loyalty? Beats the first reason thou. If you cannot choose to be loyal and honest to yourself, why would someone else do it to you?
The day you blast things off at people, for breaking your patience. The day people hear the worst, unexpected words from you. The day you show people what they have never in their wildest dream, thought of you. No, all that was not growing up. That was just the ultimate 'breaking point'. The one that happens when you lose everything. You start wearing your heart at your sleeves. Works like the short circuit that happens in the electrical wires, which finally causes a really big "fire". Growing up is the post-situation. Or really, its just the "fire" to your "breaking point". When you draw back from the breaking point, and you start hating yourself for behaving hideously, for saying things that hurt, and most importantly, for letting people see, that dark park, the hidden devil, beneath the bright smiles, of the angel you're know for. But you surely know what the "breaking point" calls for. A call for self-love. A call for self-worth.
There'll be a point in life, where I've put to believe, that no one is worth ones trust and love, except for yourself. You lose ties in every important aspects and elements of life. You encounter clashes of every possible relationship, blood or not. Its nothing like giving up. Its just, tired.
The days spent smiling, the nights spent crying. The one that looks so damn strong, but is really weak. Its really sad how no one will know bout these things that makes you, you. But sometimes, its best these things die together with the your soul. Maybe after all, that is not such a bad thing, than having people who you love and treasure, or who means the world to you, using it against you. When I think of everything I've done, or I've gone through, and how people may use it against me, if I were to tell anyone about, it, I think I'm better of burying everything together with my soul.
The feeling of people using your secrets against you, has an indescribable feeling. You wake up feeling all bright after a gloomy night tearing away. For mere precious seconds, you forget everything that made you cry the night before, you forget the reasons you are unhappy, the reasons you are so broken. Then, it hits you again, the reasons repeat. It occurs again. Whatever it may be. A break up text, a clash of friendship. It hits like a stab to the heart, making your stomach all sick, and you suddenly remember all the reasons you never wanted to wake up earlier that morning.
Sometimes, I believe its alright to be afraid to tell people how you feel because it will destroy them, so you bury it deep into yourself and it just destroys you over time. I truly believe this is what "growing up" has done to me. Been stabbed by those I needed the most, lied to by those I love, and been left alone when I couldn't afford to. Its weird. People you call closest friends have negative shit to say about you, and you've been all nice and supportive throughout the entire friendship. Blood or not, you treat people like they put the fucking galaxies in the sky, and they just stab you exactly where it would kill. Its an irony. When you truly love someone, and you lay your heart open to them, you give them a part of yourself, you let them inside a part of you, you hand them a razor with a map of where to cut the deepest and most painfully on your heart and soul. You begin to swallow on your regrets, choke on your past, and then swore to make history every damn day.
Yes she is sad. She stares in the distance as if she is trying to separate herself from this world, trying to find a portal where sadness doesn't follow. She had a whole dark forest living inside of her. She is sunny one minute then she's pouring down rain. But she made broken look beautiful, and strong look invisible. She walked with the universe on her shoulder, and made it look like a pair of wings.
