Quoting Satori.

From thinking of running away, to gaining my conscious and settling here with peace, the upheaval is settled owing to Satori.  

         
1. Don’t find yourself, create yourself. We have the ability to become whoever we want to become, and to materialize the kind of lives we want to life. That’s a power that we can cultivate. The person you think you are, the kind of life you have right now, isn’t all that there is. You won’t always be this person, you can change, you can be better. You are meant to do great things, create yourself to become that person.

2. True love. That doesn’t mean to need, or to attach, or to keep them to be happy. It means you love the person with every imperfection, every skin crease, every hair strand left on the pillow, every tear drop left on the pillow sheet, every breathe, every molecule of theirs, without judgment, without the need to change them, without the need make them better. And that also means learning to let them go with grace and knowing and trusting that when they are set free they will always come back to you with more love to give in return.

3. The meaning of happiness. We search for happiness all our lives, through presidents on a bill, degrees framed on walls, shiny fast cars, beautiful naked bodies, little boxes with little rings, and white picket fences. Perhaps they do make you feel happy, for a little while. Then you feel empty again. Just like a bucket with a hole on the bottom being filled with water. You can fill it with as much water as you can but when the water stop running, and the splashes are gone, and stillness comes, it’s empty again. Genuine happiness isn’t a goal and you can’t find it through anything that is tangible. It’s a state of mind that keeps you in the present moment wherein you are happy and grateful for everything in your life no matter what you have, where you are, and who you are with. To acquire this mental state you have to learn how to live in solitude and learn how to love yourself. You have to learn how to let go of all that is tangible and embrace the abundance of love and beauty the world is offering around you. You will find that happiness has been within you all along.

4. Your parents are who they are for a reason, love them regardless. Always give them love. No matter how many mistakes they have made, no matter how many you have made, no matter how much they have wronged you, or how much you have wronged each other. Because of them you have life, and because of you they have given up theirs.

5. Giving is better than receiving. Whether it’s gratitude, a rock, a flower, or food, or love, or a pair of shoes, or inspiration, it is always better to give. I have learned and am still learning to be less selfish, to be more selfless. I would rather see someone smile because I gave them something than smile because of what I was given.

6. Traveling the world is one of the greatest things you can ever do for yourself. It will shatter all illusions, stereotypes, and notions you have of the world and the people in it. You will unlearn, learn, and relearn things you will never discover through a book, a classroom, or a degree. It will humble you, shake you, wake you up. It will seep into your pores and find its way to your heart, and it will find it fast. The veil over your vision will come off and you will experience things that fringe over magic. And you will never ever be the same again in the best way possible. So do yourself a favor, and just buy that damn plane ticket.

7. Our struggles make us. I’m grateful that I had gone through major depression. I’m grateful for knowing what it’s like want to die every single day, and to never wake up breathing ever again. I’m grateful for every adversity, every obstacle, every bleak moment of hopelessness, roads of darkness. Because of it I have gone through my biggest transformation. It bruised me up, left me bleeding, left me on the floor begging for mercy wishing I could cry the life out of me, left me on the very edge of a cliff, left me in the darkness when I thought I would never see light. And eventually, I did. I actually made it through, back then I really didn’t think I would. But something beautiful happened to me. I’m still alive. And this is the strongest, bravest, and happiest I have ever been in my entire life. And so I’ve learned, to always trust my struggles.

8. Meditation will change your life. It changed mine, and it saved me. My depression went away. It’s not just listening to a song and chanting a mantra. It’s not just sitting cross-legged or lotus or savasana's. It’s finding the unearthly silence within you, the empty space that you are made of. It’s the rising of inner spaciousness within your insides, exploding into nothingness and being one with the cosmic pulse. It’s in small bursts of clarity, of unearthly beauty found in moments of unadulterated bliss, fleeting moments of sudden enlightenment, known as Satori. You will find steadfast happiness and love within you, more than you can ever imagine. But quite frankly, no words will ever explain. Every single human being is capable of meditating, we were all born to do it. And you need to experience it for yourself.

9. The universe won’t give you what you want, but what you need to be the person you’re meant to become and to live the life you are meant to live.

10. The world doesn’t owe you anything.

11. Everything is impermanent and the only constant is change. We’re afraid of change because we like to stay in our comfort zone. We like feeling secure and acting as if things will always be the same. Life isn’t like that, never was, nor will it ever be. Learn to embrace change and to adapt quickly along with it.

12. Not giving a shit about what other people think will liberate you. I don’t see the point in impressing people we don’t like, with things we don’t need, and living a life we don’t want. People only do that because everyone else is doing it. And they think it’s the normal thing to do. Well, fuck normality. This is your life, do whatever the hell you want with it, do whatever the hell makes you happy and get rid of the excess baggage.

13. True friends are the ones you feel unbounded with, you can be your complete self around them. You’ll know because you won’t feel judged, manipulated, and it feels genuine. It’s almost effortless when you stay connected without even trying hard, no matter where you may be. It’s true what they say, friends will always come and go. The real ones will stay. And the real ones are the people you grow with, the ones who help keep you grounded, who will help you reach your potential, and the ones who aren’t afraid to show you your own imperfections to help you become better, and vice versa. Those are the real ones.

14. We are much stronger than we think we are.

15. Stability isn’t always a good thing. It doesn’t appeal much to a gypsy soul like me. I’m not planning on “settling down” anytime soon. Even when I do have a family of my own I wouldn’t want to settle down somewhere, I’d take my children traveling with me, I trust they will have wanderlust in their blood as well. I’ve learned that the most beautiful and meaningful experiences come from uncertainty.

16. We should always conquer our fears. No how matter how big or small they are, we should do something that scares us at least everyday. Every time I have conquered a fear, whether it’s from jumping off a cliff in Thailand, to zip lining, or attempting to ride a bike (yes I’m scared of riding bikes in traffic), I feel completely liberated from the illusions of my fears. It’s one of the best feelings there is.

17. Everyone in this world is creative, they just don’t know it yet.

18. Always be kind and expect nothing in return.

19. The law of attraction. There is an invisible law in the universe that attracts everything you visualize and radiate. If you give of negative vibes, negative vibes will come. If you give off positive vibes, positive vibes will come. You get what you give out. Also, if you visualize whatever you want every single day. And truly meditate on whatever you want to materialize, you will eventually get it. You can make your own reality if you truly believe in it.

20. Always live for the moment. The past doesn’t exist anymore. It only lives in your memory. The future doesn’t exist yet. It only lives in your illusions and expectations. There is no other time but now.

21. Nature will always heal. If I’ve had a bad day and feel the need to start over, I just lay on the grass and watch the clouds pass by. Or I’ll run and watch the sunset, even just observing the nature is enough. Or I’ll sit under a tree and watch. Let nature heal you.

22. There is no reason for us not to chase after our dreams.
I didn’t see the point in doing something I loathed. Looking back, it is absolutely ridiculous to me. I’ve learned not to waste anymore time doing something I don’t want to do. We have only 700,000 hours to live. Let’s not waste anymore time to not doing what we love.

23. Be inspired. Inspire yourself. Inspire others.

24. Stop worrying so much. When we worry, we attract negative energy around us. Worrying a cycle of fear-based thoughts that we don’t want to happen. There is no point in it. It’s hard to keep worries out sometimes, especially if you are buried with problems. But we’re not making it any better for ourselves if we keep doing it.

25. Be grateful for everything. Gratitude = happiness. Be thankful for everything you have, for the person you are, and for the live you are living. Learn how to be grateful for the bad stuff too. It’s tough to accept but it exists for you to learn, grow, to let go and be better. There is a reason for everything that happens. If you can’t see why stop looking, be patient, and continue to give gratitude. Then it will unveil itself gracefully.

xx

Forgiving- An Art?

Before I get down to the core of what I am about to discuss here, I’d like to draw a small analogy narrated to me by someone.

The teeth and the tongue reside in the same mouth. Sometimes the tooth bites the tongue. Yet, the tongue does not retaliate, and the two continue to dwell harmoniously in the same mouth. That’s the art of forgiveness.

Talk about forgiving, and what’s the first thing that jumps to the minds of those of us who love to hold onto our grudges? It’s the supposedly intelligent argument that “I won’t allow the other person to live in the blissful thought that they have been forgiven.”

Why?

Because according to us, its equivalent to allowing a criminal walk scott-free. But we’re so busy focusing on what the other person derives out of being forgiven, that we forget ourselves in the process.

Do you or do you not gain something by forgiving someone?

The above argument portrays a very narrow scope of thought. And it is this misconception that I’m attempting to dispel. It’s not your self-respect that you’re holding in place by employing this argument; it’s your ego. And it’s the very thing that’s holding you down, not propelling you forwards towards a better tomorrow. By not forgiving someone, are we or are we not holding back a part of ourselves as well in the process? And if we’re not here to get on and get ahead, then why are we here? And in the process of getting ahead, what is it that stops you from spreading a little cheer and exercising a little forgiveness every once in a while?

Smiles are meant to be shared and spread, not kept to oneself like a jar of cookies.

Getting back to the part about there being something for you in the process of forgiving someone – why does it matter that the other person derives the pleasure of knowing that he/she is forgiven when there’s just as much pleasure, if not more, to be enjoyed by you as well? Pleasure in the form of peace of mind and the knowledge that you’ve made someone smile…it’s something similar to that miniature dose of ecstasy that you derive by feeding that beggar on the street and seeing him smiling at you in gratitude.  

Why focus on the other person and miss out on your share of fun?

Think of yourself sometimes.

They say “daag acche hote hain” (Some stain/mark is good sometimes) …I say it’s good to be selfish sometimes.

And yes, to the one I'm thinking about- I forgive you! And to the one's whom I've hurt, I'm sorry, please forgive me! 

A Letter I'd Never Send.

Dear Whomsoeverthismayconcern,

I wouldn't know how to start this no matter how hard I thought, because this is so important to me. Why, you may ask? I'd like to start explaining a certain philosophy if I may call it, that I was told once. Scientific theories, technical glitches can all be explained, but there's one thing that cannot be explained sometimes not matter how hard you try and that is emotions.We feel so many things. We have so many emotions. We develop a million prejudices. I want to tell you about emotions, about our society, about what I've understood, and about what I'm yet to understand.

We all phase problems. All of you have gone through this phase in your life where you felt very down because of someone or something. Its only natural. But have you ever felt that this particular issue builds up on you and just over powers you? It begins to creep on you and rule your world? Happens. You feel agitated, irritated and more like punching someone so hard. It all just happens. But this stupid overpowering thing, should be nipped when its still not fully grown. Kill it, cut it, get rid of it. Show it that you are stronger.

This world is a male dominant one. Men are utmost important. In our society, a widow or a divorcee is always looked down upon. People don't consider what happens to a woman when she is put through so much torture. When she is looked down upon by the society. Men, get away with all the mistakes they make only because no one cares. Do they ever see, what it has taken the women to get justice? Do they try to understand why she did  what she did? No. Of course not. What if a lady makes the same mistakes? She'd be punished severely. That is the state of our society. And it always has been, it'll change, provided 'miracles happen'. 

Whomsoeveritmayconcern, I'm telling you, this world is a confused place. It is so damn confusing that one day you might wonder what your doing here. Everyone is selfish. Everyone is self centered in our world. People only care about themselves. But there is one person, I can tell you, who you CAN trust. She will love you to her hearts extent, she'll give you all that she has and still not want anything. She's your mother. Honestly, mothers are like a form of God on earth. They are probably the only politically right people as you may call it. You might say she loves your sibling more, or whatever, but actually she is capable of giving equal love to everyone. Value her. 

Recently a friend of mine, her mother passed away. And believe me, it was rather sudden. No one expected it. Its rather shocking. I had tears in my eyes when I heard the news. What I wondered was, how on earth would my friend be able to stand straight? How on earth would she be able to breathe when her mom isn't? I can't imagine. Its the world's saddest thing, and people who make it through are the strongest ones. Hats off. 

Okay, this letter wasn't meant to scare you away or anything. Nor is it depressing, its just facts. And things I wanted to tell you Whomsoeveritmayconcern. Its just how the world tends to be when you look through a magnifying glass. 

There are other sides to the world too. Happy ones. Sometimes it gives you all that you want. You feel overwhelmed, joyous, like the happiest person alive. For a kid, a candy makes her feel that happiness, for you it may be love and for some others it might be material. Happiness is subjective. What I may find happy might not make you happy. Just how in economics they say, what 'goods' I find harmful, you may find useful.

Now, how to achieve happiness. 

I've learnt, there are two types of happiness. 

-The small happiness

-The big happiness.

Explaining in detail, the small happiness is basically the momentary or short period of time wala happiness. It lasts for a small time. This type of happiness can be : the happiness we get when we buy a phone or when we eat our favourite food.

The big happiness on the other hand is this particular thing that gives you 'happy' (like its a medicine or something) so much that your world is made. Its like achieving this happiness is tough. Trust me discovering what can give you this itself takes ages, getting to it will take a few more ages. But its all worth it. Let me tell you a secret, we were all born to find this thing that makes us super happy and our aim in life is actually to achieve it. 

There are certain people that have achieved this happy, but are still not happy. Now lets not talk about such people.

So let me conclude this letter by saying the world is a confused place. An this was just the beginning. There's a hell lot more I'd like to say. We'll see about that in the next letter to come.

Till next time.

Lots of Love,

Yours truly,

Lyana. 

Lost Music, Found Lyrics.

"Show is over close the storybook, 

There will be no encore."

-The Verve Pipe

What happens when all your life you've chased after something and it's always eluded you? Does it lose it's charm and luster in your eyes, with time? Or does it become that much more coveted and irreplaceable? You're doomed if it's the latter. 

Love. Boy, I hate that word. 

The one thing we want more than anything else. The one thing we wish were permanent and is the least of all things permanent. Is not to love. It's to be loved. And how hard could it be right? You can love. So why can't he? You talk to him about his passions, fears, ambitions (or the lack thereof). About his football and how he once had a serious injury. About how he likes his food bland. About parallel lives and parallel worlds. Of dreams, attainable and attain-ably-unattainable. About Blood Diamond and how you've never seen it. About music you don't understand. About pseudo intellects. About drugs and foolish theories. About tobacco and quiet nights. About loving 500 Days of Summer and never wanting it for yourself. And you listen too. 

You look absolutely gorgeous when you put on a dress and dapper heels. You match him step by step and just stop short of overstepping your femininity. He loves that. You take his breath away each time you choose to flash your wit or let down your hair. He loves that too. Then why can't he love you? 

Tricky isn't it? Beautiful, subtle, passionate, crazy, smart, funny, and everything just a fortnight ago he told you he saw in you and loved. But he just didn't love you. I don't get it either. I don't get what twisted, cruel act of fate makes you put yourself and your heart right out on the line each time and then have it lashed at with such fury that it takes aeons for it to revive and rekindle even one-fourth of its warmth back into you. 

I stay up late mugging up lines about the Malaysian increasing crime rates and straining to see the lace details of the latest Dior booties, at the same time, and somewhere in the middle, it hits me like a punch in the belly and almost laughs at me while it watches me reeling under the pain for some ten endless minutes of excruciating torture. This love. 

I'm still running the treasure-hunt marathon. Just taking a time-out to submerge myself in this city, its odor, to make it's eccentric life run through my veins (precaution: side-effects may include erratic bleeding), and to forge a lifelong sisterhood and super-fluousness. 

So maybe I'll find the lyrics to my music. Maybe it'll add meaning and depth to some wordless tunes. Maybe it'll make something only shiny plastic, actually beautiful.

Keep running girls. And watch out for the speed-breakers. 

The Fan Keeps Running

It's night time. I enter my room; things just the way I left them - dried clothes on the chair, my computer downloading movies, an empty water bottle on the floor, the smell of my 'Tresor" still lingering in the air and my messed up bed. The fan, running. Ahh, this is the life. 

No matter how I leave my room, I never switch off my fan. Why? Well because it keeps up the ventilation, gets my wet towel dry and moreover, gives me a nice gush of air the moment I enter my room baked in the outdoor weather. 

I plug my smart phone to the charger, put my bag away, change into something more comfortable for the night, fix up something to eat, play some good music and relax. Friend's visit, we talk and laugh. Some complain, some entertain, some gossip and some just like to drop in to say hi.
The fan keeps running. 

I think about them, their issues, contemplating on what I would've done. I talk to them, try to help them. How much importance do we tend to give to trivial things in life? A broken heart, a heated argument, jealousy, materialism, a men's male ego and a female's envy. Hours pass by and nothing seems to be done. Just another talk session. The fan keeps running. 

Morning follows; the usual routine. Some random plans once in a while. Good food even less. Library, coffee, books. Alas, my room again.
The fan still running. 

I hear the fan running. Reminds me how things don't always happen smoothly. How people around you can make you miserable. How friends turn into enemies. How you can badly miss a hug from mum and dad and can do nothing about it. How you miss giggling around with the brothers and you feel tears trickling down the cheeks in matter of seconds. I miss everything. 

Its an irony how people whom hurts you the most teaches you the greatest lesson in life. Yes, they taught me. 

I hear the fan running. This time it made an unusual, "krikkk" sound. Aligning to my feelings, I presumed. Weird the world is. People judge you based on who your group of companies are, who you have your lunch with maybe even whom you go to the toilet to. You lower your ego to the pit, apologize for what's not your mistake, only to be labeled for "Friends with a bitch." You be friends with girls, you're a brat. You hang out with guys, you're a slut. 

I laughed at myself. Who are we trying to satisfy? The society, the friend or the very own self?

Probably a question, which many has been faking for years. Or even over their life.

Sometimes I sit and think about the good old days, old friends, true relations. Silence surrounds me. Only the sound of the running fan. Everything just happens so fast. So far away from home, I wonder if I really have people to whom matters to me. Friends who I assume to be close. Those who if asked to do something, don't question. Those, to whom I can bare my soul and still know that they would remain the same. 

I trust too much. I fall. I get up, stabilize and then I fall again. I learn. I smile. I laugh. The thing with coming to any conclusion is that it always has the potential to change. I smirk. I remain optimistic. The fan keeps running. 

Apart from only a select few, all are the same. Feels bad to judge and to part from people you once loved. But moving on is a necessity. Those who don't understand me now, can never understand me later. I wipe that tear drop and switch off the light.

The fan keeps running, my life keeps on moving.

All I Sought Was A Friendship.

All I sought was friendship. I had it, a beautiful relationship, that a lot of time was invested in, I was glad, the laughter, the waiting for a message, the small exchanges of personal information, the guesses and longing to spend time together, it was beautiful. Just beautiful.

I was so happy and content. Nature was in full bloom.

Doomed and damned that I am, I lost it, I still have to unravel the reason why? I am slow to understand, it was probably my exuberance, my insistence, my jealousy, that stifled you. My consistent banter that threw you off.

All I wanted was your friendship, wanted to care for you, something that I wanted to do, for the rest of your life.

All I wanted to be, was a part of your life. Stand in your shadow, unseen, observe your Highs and Lows. Offer my shoulder to lean and cry upon, in the time of need. Applaud your achievements silently.

But it all went awry.

Now there is no way to contact you. The bridges have all been burnt. The bitterness, probably in you, is vile. Rightfully so. I accept that too.

I bear no malice, I bear no ill, I am just the same, though a little low. I leave you to your space, because, I feel you wanted it that way. Your feelings and desires are paramount.

But I remain steadfast, and have reached where I wanted to be, in your shadows. Observing, waiting for your call, you just have to reach out and you will find me there by your side as a true friend. In all the turbulent times that you go through, face them, firmly and with strength, for you will not be alone, I shall be there to support you.

In the manner that we have gone apart. There is nothing that you have lost - you have gained a support. A firm pillar, which time will tell. I will be there always, irrespective....

Of Love and Words.

You should date a girl who reads.

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hoursbut she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.