That Moment

                                          

This wait is filling the void in her heart with a purpose, a direction. It is giving her the sustenance to battle it out in this hard clime. It provides her with the courage to face the demons of her past and present. In those shadowy hours, in each of those harsh moments, she keeps herself centered thinking only of that glorious moment- the happiest moment that she have had in days, or rather, in months. The darkest hours, when every minute of existence seems like unbridled torture to the extent that she can take no more of it, is upon her; but she  cling on in fervent hope dreaming of that moment which would come to pass in a few days. 

That wondrous moment, when she would see him again, when time as a whole would stop and he tread gingerly towards her while that beautiful smile playing on her  lips. There would be thunderous showers pouring all around, with the monsoon at its peak. Every drop of rain on her would sparkle like a diamond set in the radiance of a blazing flame, for him. The wind would be playing a symphony with her dark,lustrous hair, just for him. She would gracefully brush them away from her pretty face like the wind blows those dark clouds away from the face of the glowing moon in the night sky, for him. Her eyes, on seeing him would twinkle in recognition, like the stars greeting the moon, with renewed love and dainty shyness, after the heart-breaking parting which occur every dawn. As he tread those few remaining steps towards her, she would restrain the multitude of emotions running through her mind to savor the innate beauty of that single moment. She'd wana shut herself from every other feeling, every other emotion, so that she could gaze into those solemn, deep eyes and hold him close to her- never to let go, never to let go ever again.

Of Beauty and Pain.

Her beauty is inexplicable. It is beyond words, beyond songs, beyond ballads, beyond poetry and prose, beyond the feeble power of any form of mortal communication. Big, black, beautiful pure eyes, with a hint of conflicting sadness. Eyes that have seen her through situations unmentionable, and yet and keen on embracing every moment with the most glorious of twinkles. Eyes that look at him with insurmountable, insane and incredible love. Eyes that drink him in with their mystique and power to captivate even the most callous of souls.

Delicious lips. Uneven, yet the epitome of perfection. A full, ripe, quivering lower lip and a thin, hardly-there upper one. Lips that talk without speaking, emote without moving. A smile that pierces her eyes, radiating beauty that's almost unbearable.You can see how perfect that ring you are going to give her is going to look on her right hand. She is beyond beautiful to you. 

So intense that you want to cup her in your palms and keep her there forever. Protect her from the gashes this cruel life might inflict on her. Keep her safe in the store of your heart, let her live off you.

And that perfectly synchronised dance that her eyes and lips perform together? A stolen glance with a mischievous smile, a caressing gaze with a knowing spreading of her lips. Ah! The sheer magnificence of it could make you cry.Her uneven, small teeth. The way she presses her lips between them, each time she fails to get away with a prank, arouses you in a way nothing else ever can.They way her jaw moves oh-so-mildly every time her lips utter melodious words. 

Her voice. Hypnotising, mesmerising. How it wraps you in endless warmth every time you hear it.Her skin, with all its unevenness and imperfections, is the embodiment of perfection to you. The freckles, the crinkling the skin around her eyes every time she cringes at something you say, the lifting up of her cheeks every time you plant a kiss upon them, the radiance of it every time a bead of sweat rolls off her forehead.

The way her unruly hair fall around her face. Fall over her eyes, across her delicate forehead, stick to the nape of her neck.....her beautiful, slender neck. The way it sways every time she turns to look at you, the way it arches every time you make love to her, the way it twitches every time you kiss it.The way the small of her back fits perfectly under your hands. The way the fat around her waist helps you hold on to her tighter.How her lithe hands play with yours, blessing them with their short-lived moment of grace.

But, no..

You picked at her. You picked at every part. Picked at every fibre of her being. You picked her apart. And then, you scatter them. Scatter them all on the ground. Scatter them like they mean nothing. Scatter them like they aren't her. Scatter her apart. And then, you stomp over them. stomp over all the ghastly pieces. Stomp over the words unspoken, the memories yet to be perfected, the love yet to be immortalised. Stomp over her existence. Stomp her apart. And then, you redesign them. Redesign each one of them. Redesign them to suit your thoughts, your feelings, your insecurities. Redesign her to be you. Redesign her apart. And then, you cut through the rotten ones. Cut through the dreams, the aspirations, the moments of pride. Cut through them, stab the fucking life out of them. Cut through her. Cut her apart. And then, you pick her. Pick her up. Pick up every piece. Pick up every fallen part of her, Pick her together. And then, you reassemble them. Reassemble the hope, the life, the glint in the eye. Reassemble them to be her. Reassemble her together. And then, you caress them. Caress every piece. Caress every emotion, every tear, every smile back into them. Caress her. Caress her together.And then, you cater to the bruises you left. Cater to every gashed attempt, every bruised love, every dented success. Cater to her. Cater her together. And then,  you restore her. Restore every piece of her. Restore her mistakes, her successes, her insecurities, her strength. Restore her. Restore her together. And then, you glue her. Glue every fibre of her being back together. Glue her back together to form a perfectly imperfect person. Glue her. Glue her back together.

She is her.  Or is she you? She is back. She is living her life. Or is she living yours? She is back. and she is restored. Or is she destroyed to be you? They were right, weren't they?Love can't be put into words. Her beauty and destroyment can't be put into words.It is beyond words, beyond songs, beyond ballads, beyond poetry....

Love, Lyana. 

And She Moved On..

She has always been a sucker for amorous flicks. They call her a hopeless romantic, but those movies makes her feel happy, or complete. It made her believe in love, in the theory of soul mates, in trust and most importantly, in happy endings. 

Boy meets girl, trials and tribulations, long stretches of time spent away from one another; but none of this changes the fact that they’ll be together in the end. Together, and happy, forever after. 

Not only did she liked these movies, but with the passage of time, she started believing in the events that took place in them. It’s the cliché flow of events: Girl falls for guy, guy breaks her heart, realises what he’s done wrong and apologises. The apologising part is something she believed would happen and really liked. Someday. she hoped, and wished, and prayed. She entreated with all her might that at some point of time, he would realise that what he did was wrong and unethical, and that maybe by apologising to her, he would have lessen the hurt. 

And do you know what the worst part is? 

She still finds herself wishing for it to ensue. No, it did not happen like it did in those chick flicks. The only part bearing a slight resemblance to the movies is the part where she cried, hoped, struggled; where she failed to put it all behind her. She always thought that there would be a point when she would be able to say that she is finally over the guy. Each day passes by catching a glance of his Facebook profile. It wouldn't  bring back a flood of memories. A day when her heart won’t skip a beat every time someone mentions his name. A day when.....when the mourning period would finally, and definitely, end. 

Unfortunately,for her, the point never came. And she don’t see it coming any time soon,either. 

What he did to me was plain nasty. Something you don’t do to girls. Something which is, urmm,  immoral. But he did it nonetheless. He did it, made her cry, made her regret being with him and gave her another rationale to curse myself for not being able to let  bygones be bygones.

Now, one might ask, what’s his fault in all of this? His fault is that he made her believe in him. His fault is that he made her love him, made her forget how life was sans him. His fault is that he has turned cold and callous now. Not very long ago, he was bothered about the reason behind every little sigh of hers. Seeing her upset bogged him down. He spent hours and hours, trying to cheer her up, trying to make her smile.

And she got addicted to all the love and care that when it was taken away from her, it left her little heart shattered. However, as they say, time doesn’t wait for anybody. And she is no exception to this
rule.

She will have to move on; will have to get on with her life. And guess what ? She just did. She has put it all behind her. She won't say that she don't care any more, but she has learned to let the caring bit pass. and not affect her like it used to earlier.

It was all getting out of her. The suppressed emotions, desires, recollections...everything. And she believes she's pretty close to the I-have-moved-on-point. So close, that she can almost taste it. :)

Skin.

Maybe it's been 365 days of the most beautiful roller-coaster. Maybe it's the mark of a crowning glory on the last day. Maybe it's a big achievement and the selfishness of it's external comparisons that render it a happiness-like quality. Whatever it is, the more I don't recognise myself, the more I like myself and as and when the blanket of familiarity draws closer, so does a sense of derision. It's strange, this process of learning- of growing up. They tell you,  you will accumulate, build, create. They leave out the parts about losing, crumbling and destructing. Where you grasp the essence of unconditional love, a love without boundaries or barriers or warriors, without a requisite number of people feeling the feeling, not bound by unnecessary necessary banal activities lying to draw people closer but actually designed to drive them further apart. I love you, and if you never do, it's okay, but if you don't want to, I'll smile and let you go because there are no conditions except one. My love for you. Where you grasp this, you also fumble with the concept of black, white and grey; right, wrong and I-don't-know. Is it always so simple? Am I always right? I must be, since becoming all worldly-wise? See how ridiculous that sounds yet it's a very plausible possibility in your enlightened mind. A mind that tells you there's a distinct line yet doesn't know which side of it the missing piece of puzzle lies. You let it out on those that disagree. Disagreement doesn't sit well with this new persona. The changing unchanged bits of it are the most affection-generating ones though. Travel to places, to hearts, feet, souls, landscapes, oceans, vehicles, temples, vineyards, airports, stations, instruments, music and lives of brave-hearts are on top of the list, at the bottom and in the middle. It is the list and while I pen down lines that I've dreamt of the previous night and hope (latest poison) for a sturdy shoulder to come home to and rest on, it is still the only list and there is no place yet, for anything else. Not even warmth.  

You weep till tears creep back to sleep. Drowning in your troubles, they seem so deep. Trying to find the button, the one that says “off”. Trying to find a reason, any reason to laugh.You pray for life, you pray for the end of it. You pray for the shoulder that no-one can lend. You pray for strength, strong and true. To fight all those demons, so true to you. You asked for the sun, but the clouds came out. No shooting stars on the dark, dark shroud. Just cold hard rain, like fuel to flame. And they stood watching this cruel game. You need to stand up, and walk ahead. Strike with force, so your demons be dead. The sword and the shield, your mind is the two. It’s all that’s there, its all that’s true.

You touch me within and so I know I could be human once again- Grimes

The Life in Hurt

"This storm has gone past. Maybe it's will be alright for some time." 

   

The petrichor of silence is all that you are left with after your thoughts rain down all night. The desperation isn't visible to everyone, anyone perhaps. Yet, inside you are burning with questions, with thoughts that are raring to turn your world upside down like a shipwreck in a storm. And you can't have your sails brought down. You have to move ahead.

You do everything in your capability to make the ones around you happy. You find them every time they are down, you find them every time they are looking for an escape route to happiness. And yet, it becomes increasingly difficult for them to bail you out when you are in a bad situation. Excuses flow like a river that's barely out of the mountains and all you are left is the unquenchable thirst of nothingness.

Every time you are let down by the people around you in your life, there is this sudden surge of disappointment from within. Understandable. You are in a precarious situation on whom to defend - your self or your loved ones? But who exactly wins in the end? You don't really have an answer to that, no matter how much you'd want it to be to you.

A hurt life isn't an answer.

But storms don't just happen out of the blue.

It's important to know where things are and where are you. Being humiliated in a relationship is not the way ahead. There are some things in life that deserve your happiness and your ire. More often than not, we are being devalued by people till we are gone. And when they don't find us anymore in their lives, they are left with just an awkwardness in the people and the places. Without you, life is never the same for either of you.

The hurt becomes your life.

The hurt that you somehow begin to blame yourself for, the same hurt that gets you angry and desperate to make a bad decision. This hurt clings on to you like a child to a mother, urging you to pay attention, to keep away from doing anything else, to quench its thirst, its hunger, and you soon find your self in your own sweet world of devastation.

You stop feeling, dreaming, hoping. You stop living.

There's no point going further into this world as it simply makes you get away from it all. And in the process, you turn away those who genuinely care about you and hope to have you till they breathe their last. That's not the point of life.

Deep introspection, with respect to the people whom you want in your life and whom you need; who need you and who want you only when they are turned away from everyone else, that's the need of the hour. You need to follow your heart, take some tough decisions, stick by them. Bad or good for others, they will definitely be good for you. But yes, never take a decision when you are angry. More often than not, you'll regret it. 

Get up in the morning. Make a hot cup of tea. Decide. Your life awaits you.

Quoting Satori.

From thinking of running away, to gaining my conscious and settling here with peace, the upheaval is settled owing to Satori.  

         
1. Don’t find yourself, create yourself. We have the ability to become whoever we want to become, and to materialize the kind of lives we want to life. That’s a power that we can cultivate. The person you think you are, the kind of life you have right now, isn’t all that there is. You won’t always be this person, you can change, you can be better. You are meant to do great things, create yourself to become that person.

2. True love. That doesn’t mean to need, or to attach, or to keep them to be happy. It means you love the person with every imperfection, every skin crease, every hair strand left on the pillow, every tear drop left on the pillow sheet, every breathe, every molecule of theirs, without judgment, without the need to change them, without the need make them better. And that also means learning to let them go with grace and knowing and trusting that when they are set free they will always come back to you with more love to give in return.

3. The meaning of happiness. We search for happiness all our lives, through presidents on a bill, degrees framed on walls, shiny fast cars, beautiful naked bodies, little boxes with little rings, and white picket fences. Perhaps they do make you feel happy, for a little while. Then you feel empty again. Just like a bucket with a hole on the bottom being filled with water. You can fill it with as much water as you can but when the water stop running, and the splashes are gone, and stillness comes, it’s empty again. Genuine happiness isn’t a goal and you can’t find it through anything that is tangible. It’s a state of mind that keeps you in the present moment wherein you are happy and grateful for everything in your life no matter what you have, where you are, and who you are with. To acquire this mental state you have to learn how to live in solitude and learn how to love yourself. You have to learn how to let go of all that is tangible and embrace the abundance of love and beauty the world is offering around you. You will find that happiness has been within you all along.

4. Your parents are who they are for a reason, love them regardless. Always give them love. No matter how many mistakes they have made, no matter how many you have made, no matter how much they have wronged you, or how much you have wronged each other. Because of them you have life, and because of you they have given up theirs.

5. Giving is better than receiving. Whether it’s gratitude, a rock, a flower, or food, or love, or a pair of shoes, or inspiration, it is always better to give. I have learned and am still learning to be less selfish, to be more selfless. I would rather see someone smile because I gave them something than smile because of what I was given.

6. Traveling the world is one of the greatest things you can ever do for yourself. It will shatter all illusions, stereotypes, and notions you have of the world and the people in it. You will unlearn, learn, and relearn things you will never discover through a book, a classroom, or a degree. It will humble you, shake you, wake you up. It will seep into your pores and find its way to your heart, and it will find it fast. The veil over your vision will come off and you will experience things that fringe over magic. And you will never ever be the same again in the best way possible. So do yourself a favor, and just buy that damn plane ticket.

7. Our struggles make us. I’m grateful that I had gone through major depression. I’m grateful for knowing what it’s like want to die every single day, and to never wake up breathing ever again. I’m grateful for every adversity, every obstacle, every bleak moment of hopelessness, roads of darkness. Because of it I have gone through my biggest transformation. It bruised me up, left me bleeding, left me on the floor begging for mercy wishing I could cry the life out of me, left me on the very edge of a cliff, left me in the darkness when I thought I would never see light. And eventually, I did. I actually made it through, back then I really didn’t think I would. But something beautiful happened to me. I’m still alive. And this is the strongest, bravest, and happiest I have ever been in my entire life. And so I’ve learned, to always trust my struggles.

8. Meditation will change your life. It changed mine, and it saved me. My depression went away. It’s not just listening to a song and chanting a mantra. It’s not just sitting cross-legged or lotus or savasana's. It’s finding the unearthly silence within you, the empty space that you are made of. It’s the rising of inner spaciousness within your insides, exploding into nothingness and being one with the cosmic pulse. It’s in small bursts of clarity, of unearthly beauty found in moments of unadulterated bliss, fleeting moments of sudden enlightenment, known as Satori. You will find steadfast happiness and love within you, more than you can ever imagine. But quite frankly, no words will ever explain. Every single human being is capable of meditating, we were all born to do it. And you need to experience it for yourself.

9. The universe won’t give you what you want, but what you need to be the person you’re meant to become and to live the life you are meant to live.

10. The world doesn’t owe you anything.

11. Everything is impermanent and the only constant is change. We’re afraid of change because we like to stay in our comfort zone. We like feeling secure and acting as if things will always be the same. Life isn’t like that, never was, nor will it ever be. Learn to embrace change and to adapt quickly along with it.

12. Not giving a shit about what other people think will liberate you. I don’t see the point in impressing people we don’t like, with things we don’t need, and living a life we don’t want. People only do that because everyone else is doing it. And they think it’s the normal thing to do. Well, fuck normality. This is your life, do whatever the hell you want with it, do whatever the hell makes you happy and get rid of the excess baggage.

13. True friends are the ones you feel unbounded with, you can be your complete self around them. You’ll know because you won’t feel judged, manipulated, and it feels genuine. It’s almost effortless when you stay connected without even trying hard, no matter where you may be. It’s true what they say, friends will always come and go. The real ones will stay. And the real ones are the people you grow with, the ones who help keep you grounded, who will help you reach your potential, and the ones who aren’t afraid to show you your own imperfections to help you become better, and vice versa. Those are the real ones.

14. We are much stronger than we think we are.

15. Stability isn’t always a good thing. It doesn’t appeal much to a gypsy soul like me. I’m not planning on “settling down” anytime soon. Even when I do have a family of my own I wouldn’t want to settle down somewhere, I’d take my children traveling with me, I trust they will have wanderlust in their blood as well. I’ve learned that the most beautiful and meaningful experiences come from uncertainty.

16. We should always conquer our fears. No how matter how big or small they are, we should do something that scares us at least everyday. Every time I have conquered a fear, whether it’s from jumping off a cliff in Thailand, to zip lining, or attempting to ride a bike (yes I’m scared of riding bikes in traffic), I feel completely liberated from the illusions of my fears. It’s one of the best feelings there is.

17. Everyone in this world is creative, they just don’t know it yet.

18. Always be kind and expect nothing in return.

19. The law of attraction. There is an invisible law in the universe that attracts everything you visualize and radiate. If you give of negative vibes, negative vibes will come. If you give off positive vibes, positive vibes will come. You get what you give out. Also, if you visualize whatever you want every single day. And truly meditate on whatever you want to materialize, you will eventually get it. You can make your own reality if you truly believe in it.

20. Always live for the moment. The past doesn’t exist anymore. It only lives in your memory. The future doesn’t exist yet. It only lives in your illusions and expectations. There is no other time but now.

21. Nature will always heal. If I’ve had a bad day and feel the need to start over, I just lay on the grass and watch the clouds pass by. Or I’ll run and watch the sunset, even just observing the nature is enough. Or I’ll sit under a tree and watch. Let nature heal you.

22. There is no reason for us not to chase after our dreams.
I didn’t see the point in doing something I loathed. Looking back, it is absolutely ridiculous to me. I’ve learned not to waste anymore time doing something I don’t want to do. We have only 700,000 hours to live. Let’s not waste anymore time to not doing what we love.

23. Be inspired. Inspire yourself. Inspire others.

24. Stop worrying so much. When we worry, we attract negative energy around us. Worrying a cycle of fear-based thoughts that we don’t want to happen. There is no point in it. It’s hard to keep worries out sometimes, especially if you are buried with problems. But we’re not making it any better for ourselves if we keep doing it.

25. Be grateful for everything. Gratitude = happiness. Be thankful for everything you have, for the person you are, and for the live you are living. Learn how to be grateful for the bad stuff too. It’s tough to accept but it exists for you to learn, grow, to let go and be better. There is a reason for everything that happens. If you can’t see why stop looking, be patient, and continue to give gratitude. Then it will unveil itself gracefully.

xx