And She Moved On..

She has always been a sucker for amorous flicks. They call her a hopeless romantic, but those movies makes her feel happy, or complete. It made her believe in love, in the theory of soul mates, in trust and most importantly, in happy endings. 

Boy meets girl, trials and tribulations, long stretches of time spent away from one another; but none of this changes the fact that they’ll be together in the end. Together, and happy, forever after. 

Not only did she liked these movies, but with the passage of time, she started believing in the events that took place in them. It’s the cliché flow of events: Girl falls for guy, guy breaks her heart, realises what he’s done wrong and apologises. The apologising part is something she believed would happen and really liked. Someday. she hoped, and wished, and prayed. She entreated with all her might that at some point of time, he would realise that what he did was wrong and unethical, and that maybe by apologising to her, he would have lessen the hurt. 

And do you know what the worst part is? 

She still finds herself wishing for it to ensue. No, it did not happen like it did in those chick flicks. The only part bearing a slight resemblance to the movies is the part where she cried, hoped, struggled; where she failed to put it all behind her. She always thought that there would be a point when she would be able to say that she is finally over the guy. Each day passes by catching a glance of his Facebook profile. It wouldn't  bring back a flood of memories. A day when her heart won’t skip a beat every time someone mentions his name. A day when.....when the mourning period would finally, and definitely, end. 

Unfortunately,for her, the point never came. And she don’t see it coming any time soon,either. 

What he did to me was plain nasty. Something you don’t do to girls. Something which is, urmm,  immoral. But he did it nonetheless. He did it, made her cry, made her regret being with him and gave her another rationale to curse myself for not being able to let  bygones be bygones.

Now, one might ask, what’s his fault in all of this? His fault is that he made her believe in him. His fault is that he made her love him, made her forget how life was sans him. His fault is that he has turned cold and callous now. Not very long ago, he was bothered about the reason behind every little sigh of hers. Seeing her upset bogged him down. He spent hours and hours, trying to cheer her up, trying to make her smile.

And she got addicted to all the love and care that when it was taken away from her, it left her little heart shattered. However, as they say, time doesn’t wait for anybody. And she is no exception to this
rule.

She will have to move on; will have to get on with her life. And guess what ? She just did. She has put it all behind her. She won't say that she don't care any more, but she has learned to let the caring bit pass. and not affect her like it used to earlier.

It was all getting out of her. The suppressed emotions, desires, recollections...everything. And she believes she's pretty close to the I-have-moved-on-point. So close, that she can almost taste it. :)

Skin.

Maybe it's been 365 days of the most beautiful roller-coaster. Maybe it's the mark of a crowning glory on the last day. Maybe it's a big achievement and the selfishness of it's external comparisons that render it a happiness-like quality. Whatever it is, the more I don't recognise myself, the more I like myself and as and when the blanket of familiarity draws closer, so does a sense of derision. It's strange, this process of learning- of growing up. They tell you,  you will accumulate, build, create. They leave out the parts about losing, crumbling and destructing. Where you grasp the essence of unconditional love, a love without boundaries or barriers or warriors, without a requisite number of people feeling the feeling, not bound by unnecessary necessary banal activities lying to draw people closer but actually designed to drive them further apart. I love you, and if you never do, it's okay, but if you don't want to, I'll smile and let you go because there are no conditions except one. My love for you. Where you grasp this, you also fumble with the concept of black, white and grey; right, wrong and I-don't-know. Is it always so simple? Am I always right? I must be, since becoming all worldly-wise? See how ridiculous that sounds yet it's a very plausible possibility in your enlightened mind. A mind that tells you there's a distinct line yet doesn't know which side of it the missing piece of puzzle lies. You let it out on those that disagree. Disagreement doesn't sit well with this new persona. The changing unchanged bits of it are the most affection-generating ones though. Travel to places, to hearts, feet, souls, landscapes, oceans, vehicles, temples, vineyards, airports, stations, instruments, music and lives of brave-hearts are on top of the list, at the bottom and in the middle. It is the list and while I pen down lines that I've dreamt of the previous night and hope (latest poison) for a sturdy shoulder to come home to and rest on, it is still the only list and there is no place yet, for anything else. Not even warmth.  

You weep till tears creep back to sleep. Drowning in your troubles, they seem so deep. Trying to find the button, the one that says “off”. Trying to find a reason, any reason to laugh.You pray for life, you pray for the end of it. You pray for the shoulder that no-one can lend. You pray for strength, strong and true. To fight all those demons, so true to you. You asked for the sun, but the clouds came out. No shooting stars on the dark, dark shroud. Just cold hard rain, like fuel to flame. And they stood watching this cruel game. You need to stand up, and walk ahead. Strike with force, so your demons be dead. The sword and the shield, your mind is the two. It’s all that’s there, its all that’s true.

You touch me within and so I know I could be human once again- Grimes