She is Not Alright.

She's being so hard on everybody, people will surely think what a bossy bitch she is. She feels shocked at herself sometimes. She knows this isn't the real her. She knows she's way stronger than that. She's unable to control her emotions anymore. She's at the brink of breaking down. Funny thing is, she's been doing it an awful lot lately, crying and getting nothing out of it. And something happens again, or maybe in her head and she feels like crying all over again, as though she have never done enough. BAM! Her image is tarnished. She cares. Deep down she really does. Other people might think, "Oh what happened to her? Being crazy again, is she?". She has no option. All she has to do, or maybe can do is fake it and think like she just don't care anymore. 


All of these are only really happening in her head. Sometimes she think's she's going crazy too, having those pointless monologues in her mind. She gets mad so often,that she lash out at anyone trying to provoke her, at least to those she thinks they are. She lash out at anyone trying to test her or, trying to push her to her limits. Now she really feel like crying all over again. Like, everyone's so busy now? Is she the only one so free? Or is she purposely making time for herself?




 The truth is, she's mad. She's mad at the world. She's mad at everyone. She's trying to hide it, but each and every time she let the anger or hatred take over her,and she'll feel that way all over again. She's mad at herself. She's mad at everyone who doesn't really stop to think what she's going through. She's mad at those people who, in an indirect way, made her what she is right now. She can't forgive. She's not able to. Maybe just for now. She have been thinking to herself, what's the cause of all this shit that is happening to her? 


 Maybe it's the steroids? Or maybe it's the ugly fact that she has been dwelling into negativity all this while? The early chapters of Eat, Pray and Love? Or maybe it's just her, but she's desperately finding something to put the blame on? She keeps thinking to herself, why can other people be so happy, and why can't she? Why is she always sulking? Why is she dwelling more and more into negativity by the day?


 Like dafuck. Why should she even have to go through all these bullshit? Why? Why did God put her through this? Why again? Is it taboo to even question that? No! She's not losing faith in God, but all she's asking for is a reason. She wants people to stop telling her that other people are going through a lot more than her. "You don't know me. Telling me that will not make me feel better but worse instead. Makes me feel fucking worthless."


In the past week, she has learnt. Learnt a lot. She learnt that when you dream high, you'll just  get disappointed soon enough. Its useless to dream. Sometimes. Really. Its like she plans such a fucking nice life or future for herself and then she woke up feeling sick to the stomach that she won't be able to achieve that.


 We're just human. It's just a matter of whether fate supports you or not. Sometimes, He'll just tell you "No, Lyana, you won't be able to go live out your home, or go overseas, or go anywhere far to study because you're a girl, you're the only daughter to your family and you'll have to be close to your parents. I'll tell the doctor to say "No" too, just in case. I'll make you sick yet again and give you another shock just to make sure you won't go, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much research and preparation you've done, I WONT FUCKING LET YOU GO!!" 


Life is so fair isn't it?  The world is so fucking fucked  screwed up,it's so unfair living on it. And what beats her the worst? That one person who makes her laugh when she has tears in eyes, that one person who turned her frowns upside down, has somewhat, lately making her little leftover smile and laughter turn into tears too. Don't she deserve to be NOT ALL-RIGHT?? 

Too good to be true.

She has promised to return. She has promise to come back to the old her, the one with a long smile on her face all day long, the one that has no temper issues, the one that never cries or weeps over anything, the one that people asks for advice from, the one that never depended on anyone, and the one that cares for her loved ones equally. The one who is faithful. 


She will return. Very soon. She will come back. Stronger. As the old her. And this time, she'll fight the battle, and  I promise you, she will be alright.