Self Less Good Deed

I was watching Friends yesterday and it was the episode about selfless good deeds. Joey tells Phoebe that there is nothing like a selfless good deed. He is confident that every good deed is selfish.

Made me wonder – yes, it is there on my mind. Is there anything such as a selfless good deed? Or all good deeds are basically based on some selfish reason, even though the selfish reason might be feeling good about oneself?

And if there is no good deed, who is to blame? 

Nature of man? 

The way society functions? 

If someone goes out to help another human being while taking trouble upon himself, wouldn’t society term him as a fool and laugh at him? 

So, that itself makes sure that every man first has to take care of himself and then think of the other person. 

So, the first lesson is taught by society. 

It also depends what category we put this into. 

Does taking care of oneself selfish? 

It is not. And if it is not, then a good deed without harming oneself is not selfish.

Now, the question is why would a human being want to help another person? Let us keep ideals aside for a while. Keeping in mind, that man is a species who would do anything only if he sees some kind of benefit in it, the least profit would be to feel good about himself in helping others. There can be other profits, but feeling good about oneself can be the least measurable as it is the person’s inner ego getting boosted and no concrete gain. Now, the other question is what is wrong in feeling a little good about oneself? In fact, if someone does a good deed and then thinks bad about it, the whole purpose of that good deed goes into waste as it will be clear that the person is having ill feelings about it. So, there is a fundamental need for the person to feel good about doing a positive deed, otherwise, the good deed doesn’t remain a good deed after all.

So, it is a vicious circle and it goes round and round.

I understand when Joey says that but then Joey is someone not real or should I say that Joey is someone who is true ideal to be real or too ideal to be able to survive in this world. Hence, this question by him is ok. But, for someone who is real and who actually lives in the world, a good deed which boosts the doer’s ego, is by far the best selfless act. At least, it doesn’t have ulterior motives associated with it. Ulterior motives are scary, ego boost is not!

And yesterday, during my regular dose of the idiot box, I caught this line from the tv series, Scrubs: 'There goes nothing'...

Don't we all sometimes hang onto 'nothing'?

Don't we all fear losing that something 'nothing'? 

Why do we feel that we have that 'nothing' when it actually is 'nothing'?

Is this the other name for hope? 

We hope for something and then make our actions tuned into achieving that? And, if any of our actions actually does something opposite, we get this feeling that we have lost that 'nothing'?

There is this famous saying as, 'The world stands firm on hope'....Is hope that 'nothing'?

Hypnotized

She was hypnotized. By the biggest magic on earth, by a word charmer. For the most ugliest 20 days of her life.

The charmer. He used no roses nor chocolates, he used his only weapon. His string of words. He used it on her. His words, were sweet-coated, slightly bitter. Too much sweet, that she felt no bitterness. He told her exactly what other charmers has said before. But.. but there was something in his words. Something, just something like a thunder that left her heart to skip beats each time he said em'. He played her with his words very well. Very very well.

Kisses was in no need to shut her up, just his words will do. Their eyes need not meet for him to trap her, just his words. He need not feed her weed. Just as he drugged her with an over-dose of words,- sweet, bitter and painfully sour.

And she felt into his world of magic. Into his trap. Into his charm. Into love. Fairly stupid. But,.. but she was hypnotized.

The charm. Changed her. She was daddy's little girl who carried a smile on her face all day long. The average, teenage girl-next-door,who lived a carefree life, despised early age relationships and its bullshit, who was too busy chasing time for herself, her passion, her loved ones, her studies and her job. The girl that wakes up to a smile on her face every morning, the girl with so much love and confidence in herself, the girl that inspired others, the girl that lived life her way, the girl that hated lies, the girl that know what she wanted in life..... and she eventually, slipped her walkway,and threw herself into his world, into his magic charm, into his universe.

She was no more the girl who woke up with a bright smile, instead with red teary eyes every morning. Not the girl who chased time for herself nor her loved ones, instead her charmer, only him.Not anymore daddy's little girl who stayed up to kiss him a "good night", instead the one that mistreated her loved ones for her charmer. She who said, lies after lies for her charmer. She who reframed her lifestyle for her charmer, just to hear him chant his "words" all day and night.

Hypnotized with words, isn't she?

The old her, slapped a guy who called her a bitch, the hypnotized her only cried her heart out,soaking her pillows with tears. The old her, kept her pride as her priority, the hypnotized her, threw everything down the trash just for her charmer. The old her spent every night dreaming of her near future, the hypnotized her showed her none other than her charmer. The old her kept the fast only for her father, for his well being, the hypnotized her kept fasts for her charmer,for his health.

But, then everything has an end. Everything. Birth has death. Friendship has splits. Relationships has break-ups.

 So does the charmer and his tricks. She woke up, mid morning. Tears trickled down her cheeks. She could hear the painful words of her charmer in her head over and over again .She wanted to say her prayers. But she felt too heavy. She felt sinful. For not seeking His love and blessings for the past 20 days. She sat on her bed, said her prayers, more like whispering. She somehow felt, that God is right there listening to her. She felt like a new-born. Like a sinless soul. She ended her prayers,thanking Him for the lessons He taught her. She kept her eyelashes to meet, and merged into divine tranquility. She felt some sort of a power in her. Like someone has put in a lightning bolt in her. Just then, she knew, her "lightning bolt" is none other than her prayers, her self-confidence, her self-love and just HERSELF. Just the real her.

4.32 am- And she decided, she will be no more hypnotized by the charmer. No, not anymore. She has waken up, not from sleep, but from death, of her soul. 20 days of death. She will no more dance to the flute and words of the charmer, instead she will hiss and spit her venom, like the venomous snake.

She knows..she knows very well, she will never stop loving the charmer. She always will. For he was the reason, she had a "re-birth". For he was the reason she quit dwelling into negativity, and the reason she knew what the "man-eat-man" world really is. Yes, a love-hate relationship. But again, she can never hate her first charmer, enough either. All she knows is that she'll never     "slip" her walkway anymore, only because she knows where she belongs exactly.

"You can break down a woman temporarily, but a real woman will always pick up the pieces, rebuild herself, and come back stronger than ever."

Picking Up the Pieces

Another thing I've learnt, is letting go. For every time I succeed in doing something, there are a couple of things I fail at - for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.


Sometimes, it's just so frustrating, when you've worked your ass off to orchestrate something, only to be greeted with a very pathetic reply from your peers. Cricket sounds fill the air as I try not to let my anger boil over. You know, it's oh-so encouraging, to see you guys give me such awarm response and so much thoroughly constructive feedback.


But then again, most people do not comprehend the energy that goes into producing a great final product. Things like writing newspaper articles, emcee-ing and pulling off the orientation day, producing videos, public speaking etc took up so much effort, but at most they garnered a half-hearted skim by the reader, a few slight laughs from the audience, a bleary-eyed viewing, a bit of applause...


There are days when I feel like there is no point at all in doing these. No point in going to such lengths to plan and organise and bring things together.


But those are also the days when I realise that perhaps that encouraging smile, that satisfied nod, that pat on the back ... make everything worth it after all. In my idealistic pursuit of perfectionism, contentment is a moving target. But I need to learn how to view things differently.


It's inevitable that not many will understand the way I do things, nor be able to follow my train of thought. They just see a crazy girl who's wasting her time running around doing useless things. But they never realise that without that stupid girl's work, there would be no useless things to enjoy. Events don't just come together on their own.


What people fail to understand is the mere fact that organizing an event is not an easy thing to be done. No,I'm not complaining about the job. It is something I love, and I choose to do. It is the only profession I love besides anything to do with my law carrier in the future. I love getting to know people, I love having a large network of friends, I love how I get along with the friends from other races and religions, and surely how working with people from the opposite gender (and "others") enables me to learn about the world.  Yes, yes, the pay doesn't meet to your daily expectations, your allowance seems higher than your basic salary.  Hush! Again, it's not done for the money. It's for the passion and love.


Meetings aren't conjured from the tip of one's wand. Tokens of appreciation don't just buy, decorate and deliver themselves. The world would not function without idiots like us. 
I really, really want to believe that it's the genuine thought of mine that counts; not the indifferent glances of my so-called friends. It's just that in this wild, wide world, sometimes, being under-appreciated just feels a bit ... lonely.


Oh life, why are you so fond of confusing me as such?


I just need to take a break from all these, and give it a rest. Breathe, Lyana. Breathe

Be Careful What You Wish For.--- A Dimple Tale.

Have you ever wished for something and it came true? I have had many wishes in my life. I had one wish that I almost wished I could have undone. Have you ever wished you could have dimples?

As a child, I was fascinated with dimples, well actually I still do. My best friend Susan had the deepest dimples in the whole wide world and the whole school swooned whenever she smiled. When she was chosen to play the little princess in our school play ‘Princess and The Frog’, I was convinced that the non existence of dimples stood between me and super stardom.

I spent many nights sitting in front of the mirror with pencils stuck in my cheeks, hoping that they leave behind dimples. I tried smiling by sucking my cheeks in, I tried poking fingers into my cheeks when smiling, I tried praying to God and asking for dimples but nothing seemed to work.

Not the one to give up easily, I kept looking for ways that would get me my prized dimples. Hope came in the way of Aunty Suzana, my mom’s best friend. Aunty Suzana had an unnatural dimple which was formed when she fell on a pointy rock as a child. Her dimple was different. It didn’t come up when she smiled. It was always there. That was the best, most amazing dimple ever. That dimple would put Susan’s dimple’s to shame. And I wanted it.

After several unsuccessful attempts at finding a pointy rock, I had a brainwave. Picking up a pair of scissors, I marched into my room and with all the precision my trembling hands could manage, I snipped a tiny cut into my right cheek. The fountain of blood that started pouring out freaked me and I went running back to mom who took me to the doctor. That week was filled with loads of lectures from the elders and wide eyed stares of respect from my cousins. 

Despite of the pain, I slept soundly, proud that I finally had the perfect dimple.

Three years has passed, and the dimple (or to be really honest, the tiny dent)  has faded away. This is my brother’s favorite  story, the one he usually narrates to embarrass me. I, on the other hand, keep praying for some miracle which will get me that coveted dimple. 

Well, this are the type of wishes that harm only the one wishing. There are types of wishes that simply happens to harm those near and dear. Those are the worst type of wishes. Again, the worst type of wishes, the ones  that harm others, and then begins to haunt you down. Unfortunately, most of our life time, our wishes are  categorized as the worst type of wishes.

Let’s see what brings us to make those worst type wishes. We, the-not-so-perfect human beings, often get too annoyed with certain people and grow hatred towards them for some reasons be it real or nonsensical. With unbearable level of annoyance, we begin to say nasty silent wishes to ourselves. Despite them being a family member or even a close friend, we begin to lose our temper and most of all, we even lose our mind when the level of annoyance becomes unbearable.

We sometimes fail to remind ourselves of what not to wish for. Or maybe even we fail to remind that wishes do come true be it good or bad. It just happens. Sometime we wish them ill. We wish the worst things to happen to them. This includes of wishing for them to fail a test, break up with their boyfriend/girlfriend, have a family crisis, meet an accident, lose all their friends, anything bad. Just because our not-very-perfect-mind  feel that “they deserve it”. We even have a silent talk to ourselves don’t we?  “They get everything they want anyway, it’s time for them to feel some real pain.” Mean much?

Unfortunately everything you wished for turns out to be true. Accidents. One after another takes place. But then when it actually happens, when they do fail a test or have a family crisis or lose all their friends, everything suddenly changes. Even you who wished them bad all this while, begin to worry.

You begin to be sorry about it. You regret over and over again. But sometimes, things just won’t be alright anymore. What is the reason for this? To have a tendency for positivity?  Are we just naturally happier when other people are facing hurdles? Or is it the other way round? Do we get happiness from seeing other people’s successes, and do we feel defeated when we see others fail? There are conflicting viewpoints on this topic.

 A well known Hollywood celebrity once quoted, “I would never wish bad things, but I don’t wish you well.”  Well, what if that person you are talking about lost his job and all his friends the next day? Would you feel good about yourself? Would you feel that that is an accomplishment on your part, or would you feel sad that you were hoping for his demise?  On another note, an English singer, sung, “I lick the gun when I’m done, cause I know that revenge is sweet.”  I’m not proving myself as a self-proclaimed critic nor a hypocrite here, but can you actually be happy with committing an act of revenge that significantly harms the other person?

I came up with a maxim to live parts of my life that the best revenge is one not taken. It is difficult to follow, but it is something I will strive to do always in the face of adversity, even if I may not always overcome my will to wish ill toward others. 

  

I know— I know that really no one deserves to be bad wished upon. I also learned, that bad wished are made in moments of anger, simple rhetoric running through ones head. I promise you, the last thing you ever wouldn’t want it to happen is for you to wish bad things upon a person and for it to actually happen. Just be careful what you wish for, because you might get it all. 

PS: I wrote this out for an essay competition organized The Star Newspaper. Hoping to receive a news soon! :D 

What Gone is Gone.

She lay there on the floor of her dark and silent bedroom, with her earphones plugged in, and music on full volume.

She checked the time, it was around 2:36 AM. She’d been crying for 2 long hours, but still, there wasn’t even a little amount of sleep in her eyes. “Last Kiss” by Taylor Swift started playing. All the memories with him came rushing back to her mind again. Just when she thought the crying was over, tears rolled down her face again. She started letting out silent screams, till there came a moment when she started to have problems breathing. She sat up, and decided that she can’t be like this, crying over someone who’s just gone.

She wiped the tears off her face, and went to the washroom to get fresh. She switched on the light, stepped into the washroom, and as soon as she looked into the mirror, she got a little shocked.

She couldn’t recognize her own self. Eyeliner smudged all over her face, her eyes just red. She stood still for a moment, thinking, “That’s not me. That’s just not me.”

She realized she’d never seen her own self like this. Tears started rolling down her cheeks again. She never thought, that one little thing could actually hurt her so badly. She wiped off the tears, and told her own self, “No. I won’t cry. Not anymore.”

She washed her face again and again, got all the eyeliner off her face, and tried to smile. Wasn’t easy, she just couldn’t smile, but she couldn’t cry, either.

She got back to her dark bedroom, lay back on the bed, put the earphones back on, and thought to herself, “I’m not crying over something so stupid anymore. I’m strong. I need to be strong. I need to let him go.”

She looked at the time, it was around 3:30 AM. She closed her eyes, and tried her best to distract herself from the thought of him. Slowly, she finally fell asleep, and escaped the harsh reality.

She woke up the next morning, with a smile on her face, and her head held high. She felt strong. Strong enough to forget it all. Strong enough to let him go. Strong enough to actually be happy with what she has, instead of being sad about what’s gone. ‘Cause after all, what’s gone, is gone.”

Baby, You're A Firework. Come on,Let Your Colours Burst.

She has been feeling very lost as of late to be honest.She has been feeling a whole lot of "myself change". In several different ways and not really known how to stop it.

She felt really muddled. Confused with her feelings, confusing just in herself really. She feel like she don't really know herself anymore. As if the 'old her' is gone, and what's left is still developing. So she is sort of drifting through life without much of an identity. Maybe the 'new her' when she finally arrives will be new and improved? So far doesn't look that way but she can surely hope.

Earlier today, she was waiting for her bus to arrive (which means she was waiting for a while..) and she looked through the buildings to the sky. The sun was starting to set and there were streaks of orange through the clouds. It was really beautiful.
Then she started thinking about the concept of 'beauty'.
Beauty can be defined in so many different ways. But it is, of course, in the eye of the beholder.
Some people will look at a sunset and think "What's the big deal? It's only colours." Others will stand and be lost for words at its magnificance.
She thought to her self, that she was starting to lose sight of beauty in her life. She was forgetting the things she considered beautiful.

For her, words, language, colour, photographs, memories, nature, sunset... these are the things she think are beautiful in their own ways. Words can bring tears to her eyes. Words, is the only thing that listens to her. Without argueing back. That's her world, that's where she belong. Colour makes the world interesting. Staring at photographs are her passion. Memories keep her human. Sunsets for her, show beauty before the dark, and sunrises the dawn of something better.

She find people beautiful. She is somehow greatly priveledged to know some truly beautiful people, both inside and of course out. She has recently met some new people. Some stunningly beautiful inside. Honestly,she missed knowing people who amaze her with only words. It's been her 'savior' as of late. 

And of course,music. Music is one of the most amazing things we, as a race, have ever dreamed up. Music was her original saviour, when she had no one else to turn to. As how words were. Its just that one speaks, but doesn't listen, the other listens and listens without a saying a word. 

She turned around, and saw the her bus making its way to her. And again, she thought to herself, maybe if she try to hold onto the things she thinks of as beautiful.... maybe, she might find the new her faster. And just maybe... she'll be okay...?

She is Not Alright.

She's being so hard on everybody, people will surely think what a bossy bitch she is. She feels shocked at herself sometimes. She knows this isn't the real her. She knows she's way stronger than that. She's unable to control her emotions anymore. She's at the brink of breaking down. Funny thing is, she's been doing it an awful lot lately, crying and getting nothing out of it. And something happens again, or maybe in her head and she feels like crying all over again, as though she have never done enough. BAM! Her image is tarnished. She cares. Deep down she really does. Other people might think, "Oh what happened to her? Being crazy again, is she?". She has no option. All she has to do, or maybe can do is fake it and think like she just don't care anymore. 


All of these are only really happening in her head. Sometimes she think's she's going crazy too, having those pointless monologues in her mind. She gets mad so often,that she lash out at anyone trying to provoke her, at least to those she thinks they are. She lash out at anyone trying to test her or, trying to push her to her limits. Now she really feel like crying all over again. Like, everyone's so busy now? Is she the only one so free? Or is she purposely making time for herself?




 The truth is, she's mad. She's mad at the world. She's mad at everyone. She's trying to hide it, but each and every time she let the anger or hatred take over her,and she'll feel that way all over again. She's mad at herself. She's mad at everyone who doesn't really stop to think what she's going through. She's mad at those people who, in an indirect way, made her what she is right now. She can't forgive. She's not able to. Maybe just for now. She have been thinking to herself, what's the cause of all this shit that is happening to her? 


 Maybe it's the steroids? Or maybe it's the ugly fact that she has been dwelling into negativity all this while? The early chapters of Eat, Pray and Love? Or maybe it's just her, but she's desperately finding something to put the blame on? She keeps thinking to herself, why can other people be so happy, and why can't she? Why is she always sulking? Why is she dwelling more and more into negativity by the day?


 Like dafuck. Why should she even have to go through all these bullshit? Why? Why did God put her through this? Why again? Is it taboo to even question that? No! She's not losing faith in God, but all she's asking for is a reason. She wants people to stop telling her that other people are going through a lot more than her. "You don't know me. Telling me that will not make me feel better but worse instead. Makes me feel fucking worthless."


In the past week, she has learnt. Learnt a lot. She learnt that when you dream high, you'll just  get disappointed soon enough. Its useless to dream. Sometimes. Really. Its like she plans such a fucking nice life or future for herself and then she woke up feeling sick to the stomach that she won't be able to achieve that.


 We're just human. It's just a matter of whether fate supports you or not. Sometimes, He'll just tell you "No, Lyana, you won't be able to go live out your home, or go overseas, or go anywhere far to study because you're a girl, you're the only daughter to your family and you'll have to be close to your parents. I'll tell the doctor to say "No" too, just in case. I'll make you sick yet again and give you another shock just to make sure you won't go, no matter how much you want to, no matter how much research and preparation you've done, I WONT FUCKING LET YOU GO!!" 


Life is so fair isn't it?  The world is so fucking fucked  screwed up,it's so unfair living on it. And what beats her the worst? That one person who makes her laugh when she has tears in eyes, that one person who turned her frowns upside down, has somewhat, lately making her little leftover smile and laughter turn into tears too. Don't she deserve to be NOT ALL-RIGHT?? 

Too good to be true.

She has promised to return. She has promise to come back to the old her, the one with a long smile on her face all day long, the one that has no temper issues, the one that never cries or weeps over anything, the one that people asks for advice from, the one that never depended on anyone, and the one that cares for her loved ones equally. The one who is faithful. 


She will return. Very soon. She will come back. Stronger. As the old her. And this time, she'll fight the battle, and  I promise you, she will be alright. 

Careless Whisper (Part 3)

 *If you have not read Part 1 and 2, feel free to do so by clicking here.*


"Happy Birthday sweetheart! How are you? We miss you loads!"
"Mom! I am doing fine shine sunshine! How are you guys goin on? I'll be back end of my week. Wrap up my last week here and stay right beside my awesome family. My home sweet home. I miss you people alot!"
"My darling daughter of mine, your whole family is doing absolutely great. How is Raj? You guys are doing alright together right?"


Anishka blushed. .


"Ermm.. Mom.. He's alright.. And he keeps me really happy."


Anishka never wanted a guy after Kuljit. She was hanging on to the phrase.."Once you have tasted the bitter side of a grape, you wouldnt want to eat it anymore.. But when you get the sweet part, all you wanna do is crave for more" very tightly. 

Raj is a great guy.  Anishka and Raj has been studying together for 5 years in the same uni. He fell for  Anishka after three years of admiring. He loved her personality. Her bubbly character, make-up off looks, and decent clothing. He gathered all his courage and proposed her in their Year 3 of Med school. Aniskha first rejected. She was unable to handle anymore heartbreak. To be honest, only Kuljit was in her heart. She never fell for anyone else. Later then, during their 5th year of Med course, she agreed to his proposal after he took his time and told her why and how much he loved her. She accepted it with hopes of not getting hurt anymore. 

"I hope to see you both soon. Take care. Love you."

"Mommy, I love you too.. Take care"


Anishka flew back to KL with Raj. Everyone came to the airport to receive them. She's just the same as before. That innocent look she has with even more charming eyes. Her sense of fashion is much better now. Classy & much more elegant. Perhaps that's exactly why Raj loves her. 


Life settled down for them in KL. They bought an apartment of their own, and live in together. Anishka and Raj were both doing their houseman-ship in HKL. Anishka's parents loved Raj and soon they got engaged. One evening, Anishka  was talking to her cousin from India over the phone. *knock knock* That left a smile on Anishka's face. She tilt her head slightly up, looking at Raj from the space between her black framed spectacles. Here came Raj. "Nish, stop being a nerd! Take that glasses of you woman! My baby looks perfect just the way she is", he said while running his fingers through her hair. Anishka hanged up the phone call. 

"Enough of sweet coatings my dear. Lets go to the hospital!  And stop teasing me already.I have some reputation now. I shall remind you, I am Dr. Anishka.". They both giggled and left to work.
As soon as they both reached, the receptionist told Anishka that she has to meet Dr Jay in his cabin.



 Their love grow fonder each day. He does cute stuff just to put a smile on her face. Leaving teddy bears in her cabin, or making her breakfast during the weekends. It has been 6 years since she met Raj. He loves her more than anything in the world and he's glad that his family loves her just as much as she does. 


Raj has a sweet loving family back in Penang. Despite that, he applied for his internship in KL just cause he wanted to stay beside Anishka. Just to know her better and live life with her. 

"Good morning Dr Jay. Something urgent?"


Dr Jay is Anishka's senior. A middle age man, with a bright skin tone, average height and the sexiest stubble in town. Any girl would swoon as she sees him. Him being a senior doctor, he has been handling a few critical cases lately.


"Yes yes. Good morning Dr Anishka. You look great today. Have a seat please."


Anishka blushed. She sat there wondering what he was about to say.


"Would you like tea or maybe coffee? We'll be having a long discussion. "
"Haha. Doctor, please not give me those scary shivers. Still, a cup of coffee will do just fine."


Dr Jay made some phone calls. He was quite busy. And so, Anishka waited patiently. After hanging up on the phone call, he breathe in relief. "I'm sorry for keeping you waiting. Please help yourself. Let's get started. As you know, I have been dealing with tonnes of cases through out my experience as a doctor. I train my juniors to do the same, and since you are under my management, I would love to see you excel in future. You'll soon be a senior too,and for that you need to listen what am I trying to say". 


Anishka kept concentrating on Dr Jay's words silently.


"And so.. I wanted you to assist me in this case. Case just came in yesterday. His case was referred to us since we're better equipped with tools & professionals. Patient's lifespan should have been short due to this. But it's something magical.. I shall say. . He's been surviving the disease till now.


"Dr.. His condition is worth monitoring. If you allow me to, can I see the patient?"
"Of course Dr. Anishka. He is now your patient. He's in Room 4, Ward 15. Feel free for a visit. Just don't question him yet, we will do that session together". 
"Alright doctor. Sure will.  I'll go right away. If there is anything at all, I'll get back to you."


As Anishka walked her way to his ward, she was having this weird feeling. The feeling so indescribable. No one should ever be diagnosed with this kind of health condition ever.


She made her steps in to the ward, and the moment she walked in she had chills running through her spine. Goosebumps from top to toe. This wasn't her first time dealing cases like this, but she had a strange feeling. One that left a question mark in her mind.


Patient was having a nap and thus, she couldn't really speak to him. She grabbed his chart by the bed. Ran through it briefly. The next thing she knows after reading his particulars, was tears flooding her eyes and flowing down her cheeks non-stop. Her mascara got all ruined, and her eyes was all red. 

*What caused all those reactions to Anishka? Who was that? Is the patient back for good or to hurt her even more? Stay tuned for part 4. I apologize on the delay. Thanks for your support people!.*

Not Too Loud Please.

We meet so many people in life. Some makes life amazing. Another half, shows you "Hell-On-Earth" simply by just knowing them. I have come across people who I would love to hug them tight, with a rope, on their neck. Who? People who simply raise their voice on me, or scold me for no apparent reason. 

Have you ever got scolded? I mean, like really bad ones. I know, we all do get them a lot. Especially during those mischievous childhood years. Yes,yes, we do get those during the teenage and adulthood years too, but way lesser. And upon years of not being scolded, I got em' today. 

And words can never tell you how much I hate getting scolded! I feel like imploding, crumpling ever inward with the slow sad glint of that thin foil in which Hershey's kisses are wrapped each time I get scolded. It shines like steel but crushes at a touch. Yeah, like that.

When I get scolded, it simply means, I have done something wrong. (Maybe it was right to me). Scolding, is something that happens when one is really angry and annoyed or disappointed with one (or maybe himself). Scolding is done in a totally rude manner for sure, in a high tone of volume. Also, some cussing happens. 

Let me make it clear. The reason I hate being scolded is not that because I am unable to accept it  when I get criticized or reprimanded but, the simple fact of I can't stand people who raise their voice to me. I know-I know. Its pretty stupid. I can't expect people to slow talk to me while they're angry, but then I seem to have trouble with  accepting this. Honestly, when one raises their voice to me, I have this scary shivers giving me goosebumps from top to bottom. I begin to have this funny feeling in my ears. Heart starts beating too fast and I get all sweaty.Like a drug addict who is in real need of his weed, but he's so broke, he has no money to buy em' and he ends up shivering and getting sick. 

I recently read an on "Why We Shout In Anger? Here you go: A Hindu saint who was visiting river Ganges to take bath found a group of family members on the banks, shouting in anger at each other. He turned to his disciples smiled ‘n asked. ‘Why do people shout in anger shout at each other?’ 

Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, ‘Because we lose our calm, we shout.’ 

‘But, why should you shout when the other person is just next to you? You can as well tell him what you have to say in a soft manner.’ asked the saint

Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the other disciples. Finally the saint explained, ‘When two people are angry at each other, their hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to shout to hear each other to cover that great distance.

What happens when two people fall in love? They don’t shout at each other but talk softly, Because their hearts are very close. The distance between them is either nonexistent or very small…’

The saint continued, ‘When they love each other even more, what happens? They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at each other and that’s all. That is how close two people are when they love each other.’

He looked at his disciples and said; ‘So when you argue do not let your hearts get distant, Do not say words that distance each other more, Or else there will come a day when the distance is so great that you will not find the path to return.’

When scolding happens, there is no room for love. So much hatred and anger. And guilt.  To feel guilty is one of the worst feeling ever. I hate feeling guilty, and that is why I always make it up even if it wasn't my fault. Guilty feelings, to me, is the slightest hint of disapproval that makes us feel as if we have been caught red-handed doing something totally illegal. 

I'm not the type of a person who can go to bed after having an argument with one, neither to continue with my daily routine after an argument early in the morning. Arguments in the morning only happens with one person. Mum. Those "Tom and Jerry" fights we have. Pinching each other, pulling hairs. The thing is I usually don't do stuff that makes her mad. So her daily dose of scolding to me is about stuffs like how I'm spending too much time on the phone, or how I should learn to speak softly. My blood, vessels, and cells are probably so immune to her "lectures" that even if I haven't receive my dosage for the day, I'll pull her legs right before bed so I have something to laugh about later that night. 

I don't know about others. But to those near and dear knows that I'm the type of a girl who won't bother to listen to you when there is no respect given and of course when scolding is done. I'm not stubborn nor big headed. I prefer and I love it when people slow talk to me. When they tell me what I've done wrong. When they take a minute to ask me why I've done such a mistake. That way things will surely get sorted out faster. In communication, respect is necessary. Someone once told me, "You don't expect me to fall at your feet to get things done". No, I wouldn't want anyone's bad karma with me. All I'm saying is pay little respect and put your ego down . Again, people who know me well, will surely know what sort of a person I am. To those who don't think you know me well, I don't see the necessity for you to scold me. 

My dad told me few years back, "You're so fragile la ma", and I argued with him saying I'm stronger than my brothers not knowing what he meant. Then, around a month back, I overheard mum telling my brother, "Don't be harsh with your sister. She only seem strong on the outside. She is way too soft and sensitive on the inside." I came to re-call this lines a few days after having a friction with someone special. I thought to myself, that no one would be able to understand me as much as my family does. And when I cried a few days back, because the rabbit we were petting for the past 2 months died, dad came up to me and told me the same thing.This time I never argued because I simply know what he meant. He gave me a smile that left tears in my eyes. Happy ones. For having him in life.